Healing the Child Starts with the Parent: Three Key Actions for Families
2026.01.15
As a mental health therapist specializing in children—particularly middle and high school students—and having worked with countless families over the years, there is one thing I feel compelled to emphasize: Children will not change unless their parents change. In other words, a child’s mental health condition will not improve unless the parents transform themselves.
When a child develops a mental health issue and requires therapy, the therapist acts as the primary clinician. At the same time, it is essential for the parents to undergo their own transformation. Except in rare cases, a therapist only sees a child for about one hour a week. The rest of their time is spent under the "umbrella" of their parents. Often, that very umbrella is a contributing factor to the child's condition. Unless the umbrella itself changes, the child’s illness will not heal.
In this article, I would like to discuss what parents can do to facilitate the healing of their child’s mental health.
1. Acknowledge the Reality
The first step is to acknowledge that the parents are often the primary reason for the child’s struggles. Acceptance is incredibly painful and by no means easy. However, far too many parents try to shift the blame onto the environment (such as school or friendships) or claim the child was "simply born that way," refusing to recognize how much they have influenced the child’s distress. Unfortunately, this denial only worsens the child’s condition.
Additionally, I often see parents react defensively, saying things like, "Fine, so everything is my fault, isn't it?" and blaming the person pointing out the responsibility. We are not looking to assign blame; we are identifying the cause to solve the problem. Identifying the root cause is critical—without it, the issue cannot be resolved. When parents misinterpret this as a personal attack, constructive dialogue becomes nearly impossible, and recovery is delayed.
2. Listen to Your Child
Once you have reached a place of acceptance, the next step is to truly listen to your child. There are several key points to keep in mind:
First, do not try too hard to "correct" them. Children say things that are wrong or, from an adult's perspective, highly questionable. Listen anyway. They say these things precisely because they are children. If you focus solely on correcting them, you are effectively not listening to them at all. Furthermore, speaking down to them with "shoulds" and "musts" is counterproductive. This is a form of over-control, which is detrimental to mental health.
Instead, simply listen. Use body language to show you are fully present: look at them, turn your body toward them, stop doing other tasks while they speak, and nod. Show genuine interest in your child. Try to discover what they are thinking, feeling, and dreaming. In many cases, parents know far less about their children than they think they do.
(Note: If your child is still young, such as an elementary schooler, playing together may be more important than talking. For young children, play is the most vital tool for communication.)
3. Seek Balance
Finally, balance is essential in everything. Parents of children with mental health issues often tend to have been either too strict or too indulgent. When a child becomes ill, strict parents often swing to the opposite extreme of being too soft, while indulgent parents suddenly become overly harsh.
Discipline and household rules should not be viewed in black and white. Your approach should not be "always strict" or "always lenient." This binary thinking itself can be passed down to the child, contributing to their mental health struggles.
Focus on balance instead. For example, if you were too strict before, it means you were successful at enforcing rules, but likely at the cost of the child’s autonomy. In that case, you should shift toward an approach that places more value on their independence.
I hope this provides a deeper and more accurate understanding of mental health.
Tatsuya Arakawa Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT 82425), California